Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Blowing up another Patriotic Moment...

Due to increasingly heightened pressure from one Audrey J. Mann, I am once again updating my blog. To put things in perspective, I'm more effective at blogging than writing in a journal, so this is a big step for me.
When one ponders the sacrifice of our founding fathers and the courageous stance they took to earn our freedoms, I can't help but want to blow up some Chinese fireworks in their honor. Now, I took a lot of flack for leaving the Nation's Capitol during the 4th of July celebration. Really, though, it was because I'm a true patriot at heart. What self respecting American Revolutionist would stand idly by on a comfortable blanket letting others put their lives on the line for an explosive entertainment spectacle. I'm too dang patriotic to let others fight for my fireworks freedoms. For these reasons, and more, I traveled to the hillbillie heartland to pass my Independence day. Lebanon, PA, baby.
All in all, it was an enlightening experience. I went with my bud James whose family lives on a big ole farm out there. We drove around an old gas golf cart which was "modified" by knocking all the plastic off and refitted with bucket seats. It was then spray painted gold with two black racing stripes and dubbed the Golden Knight. It was quite the little fun machine....i mean... work horse. According to his grandma, it is not a toy. If it isn't, I don't know what we were doing on it all weekend. You could say we were "working" on jumping it over a grassy knoll in reverse if you want to get technical... The whole place was about 12 acres of grass, so it was like a giant golf course with out the tees and greens; truly, a renegade golf cart racer's paradise.
Now, to prove my patriotism, I spent the 4th at the local gun club, which comprises a firing range, bar, and trailer park. Truly a holistic redneck environment. What says patriotism like drunk hillbillies, illegal fireworks, and attractive trailer park surroundings? As I watched wasted men stumble to light illegal mortars, and heard their drunken cries of "@#%& Yeah!" and "Rock n' roll!" ring throughout the air the emotion almost overcame me.
Your average, typical, run-of-the-mill American would have been happy celebrating independence on just the 4th. But oh no, not me, baby. What better way to show loyalty to your nation than a good ole' fashioned rinse and repeat? That's right, we had another party on the 5th of July. You might say I'm 200% more patriotic than the rest of all ya'll.
Jim's uncle bought $500 worth of illegal fireworks and went to town lighting them with a cutting torch. It would have put Brigham City's fireworks to shame. There was also a keg on tap, alas, i did not partake. But plenty of people did! And they were all talkin crasy talk! c-ray-z. We also set up a volleyball net and football field, cause there were about 150 people at the party. The farm cookin' was my favorite part, though. We had your standard hamburger fare, not to mention the dogs with sauerkraut. There were baked beans, chips, salsa, and of course two buckets of KFC. Homemade scrumptious goodies for dessert.
So the next time you visit an Indian restaurant, and you see the American flag on the door, bumper stickers that read, "We didn't earn it to burn it!" and takeout boxes emblazoned with the stars and stripes, just remember, I'm almost as American as those guys.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

New York

Well, to kill memorial day weekend we headed up to New York. To quote Mr. Stick Stickley from Nicelodeon, New York City is in New York State, zip code 10108. We're on the economic trip plan, the biggest expenses so far being the 20 dollar bus fare, a 7 dollar metro pass, a 10 dollar belt buckle from Chinatown emblazoned with MEXICO and free room and board complements of Steve's friends that live here in Queens. There is a lot to do here in New York, but all of it seems to involve running into crowds of people that don't speak english and sucking down stale urine and secondhand smoke fumes. New York is breathtaking in it's size and diversity, but never a place I could call home. So yeah, good trip but I'm glad i don't live here.

Sunday, April 20, 2008


Ha ha due to relentless pressure from k-dizzle. I'm blogging. You could say i've reoriented my previously established conceptions about bloggage and those that do.